If you've willingly boycotted the 'Commitments-cum-Expectations' camp long back, 'Friends with Benefits' (FWBs) is probably the thing you're looking for.
For your frame of reference, this fad defines a mutually beneficial relationship between two friends who indulge in casual sex with no bonds or expectations involved. In an age when all that people think of is adding digits to their bank balance, this trend has become quite a rage. Commitment might have taken a backseat but the desire for pleasure never will.
On being asked reasons as to why this trend has come into being, relationship therapist, Rachna Kothari says "Some reasons would be, the mere known fact that two friends are physically attracted to each other and can benefit each other (most often sexually), the want of pleasure or feeling of loneliness in a person or exes wanting to be in a physical relationship with no label attached. For those who believe they live in a culture that pursues individualism as the highest goal, it makes this relationship more pragmatic. Because there is no commitment or responsibility, one is free from feelings of hurt, pain, etc. and this can be a very honest and practical way of going about in relationships."
It is for sure, considering how comfortable one is with the idea, 'Friends with Benefits' is not a bad way to go about relationships. But then again, it is not all that easy. Here are certain dos and don'ts while being a FWBs.
Most times, in such a relationship, it is difficult to maintain proximity after you're done with your physical needs. Don't hook up with someone you are extremely close to or someone you can't do without on a regular basis. People generally say that women tend to fall in love with their partners after getting physical. But studies break that myth. It is normal that the moment you have had sexual intercourse, the body naturally emits hormones which generate feelings of love and affection. Sometimes, one of the partners agrees to being 'friends with benefits' just because they have feelings for the other and think that having casual sex would actually initiate sparks for the onset of a relationship. This can lead to heartbreak or a break in friendship or, in a worse scenario, both.
If, god willing, you fall in love at some point, this past phase can provoke doubt in your current relationship. FWBs can be a human interference when you're in a real relationship. Your current love can actually be insecure (and we see no fault in that) because of this so-called past-bed-buddy. If the FWB is an acquaintance, it's easy to break ties once you both have satisfied your physical needs.
Remember, it's about having an unspoken agreement between you and your friend to have occasional sex, leaving out the emotional baggage. You both should acknowledge this. Make sure the signal 'We're not lovers' is clear. Don't nestle or cuddle everytime you get an opportunity. Even sympathy sex is a no-no. This paves way to wanting more than just sex.
Rachna Kothari says, "Mutually, if two friends agree that there's no expectations, no commitments, then it's not detrimental because their attitudes are set right for this. But for those who believe that lovemaking and not mechanical sex is what's important, it is obviously detrimental as it violates every bit of their expectations."
Make sure the intimacy of this relationship is just between the two of you, without making it a public deal. Don't brag about what a love muffin you are. The friendship could be gone with the wind.
Comfort is the key word while being FWBs. You need not be worried about concealing that birthmark which you've always disliked, or those flabs you couldn't lose in the gym or whether you will perform well in bed. Just enjoy the moments without fretting much.
Most importantly, play safe. Don't just hook up without taking precautions. A bubbly night or a stressful day should be no excuse to not use protection before sex. Make sure you don't end up panic struck because of this risky relationship.
Maintaining friends with sexual benefits can be quite a hassle unless you stick by the ground rules. There is no harm being offbeat in relationships, but not acting in accordance to the rules would just lead to your life going haywire.
Readers' opinions
T V N Rao (Bangalore)
This is nothing but animal behaviour. Humans are gifted with emotions such as love, likes, dislikes, hatred and so on. These traits differentiate us from animals. How can anybody say sex without that bliss of oneness is really sex. Why we do call sex also by alternative name "Making love". Why minority behaviour is being projected as a major trend. Is TOI trying to lead the people with examples like this? Are we going to simply accept this dovetails with ambitions of being a professional person with individualism. How does it differ from Prostitution without monetary gain?
nikhil ajmera (Bangalore)
21 Mar, 2011 02:56 PM
This kind of articles, are in fact spoiling the future of the Indian culture, we Indians have always believed in live for each other and live happily, not to live for self. Articles like this spread the concept of new life in the thoughts of the upcoming youths, of whom may be we find our own people later. Sooner a day will come in India, where a parent will not believe the friends of their kids and Kids will not like parents interrupting in their personal life. WTF is this.
Ankur (Mumbai) replies to nikhil ajmera
21 Mar, 2011 08:48 PM
Nikhil, We like it or no this is a running rage and its about time we face it.I probably may not indulge into such activities but looking at the way things are changing in India I am not sure if my son or daughter wont do it.Its better that the do's and don'ts be out ..clear and loud so that the coming generations who indulge in such acts at least know what they should be avoiding to avoid the hurt.People will do what they want to do, but I would have appreciated that at least half of the length of the article was dedicated to dissuade youngsters from doing it.
raj (kgf)
21 Mar, 2011 02:21 PM
BENNET COLEMAN & CO....hmmm... ofcourse...this kind of nuisance is nothin' new from your stable ...keep penning in more ...let the truth prevail.....stop GLORIFYING SUCH ACTS.....we respect your esteemed newspaper
sanjiv (London)
19 Mar, 2011 11:48 PM
why are we making fuss about this article? it is very common in UK here - making friends first, take them to pub- both become drunk and then go to either place and enjoy the night and forget in the morning. Our culture sometimes gives us very strict environment which does not produce very good situation.
Reddy (Hyderabad) replies to sanjiv
20 Mar, 2011 02:46 AM
If this is that much common then why still they are showing love in movies and marriage relations? That means according to you we will not come to know to whom they born right...
naveen (bangalore)
19 Mar, 2011 06:44 PM
what the f**k is this. Is there no diginity left in us.whats the point in being the most advanced and dominant species in this planet, if we still behave like low life dogs, just looking for pleasure whenever needed. Stop this menace and start living a dignified and good moral life
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